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Moncton Reality Therapy Consultants

Creating a world where people experience "Happy Relationships"

This month is all about contests. Good or bad we all are aware of the contests around us, but what purpose do they serve and what needs are met through entering in contests.

Today there are a couple of big contests going on and people will be paying attention to what is happening with the Blue Jays and the Kansas City Royals and they will be watching for the outcome of our election contest. Who will be our winners?

As a member of Toastmasters, I am the chair for the evening at Riverview Canusa tonight and our theme is contests. In toastmasters we have contests twice a year. When I first joined Toastmasters, the contest was the last thing I wanted to enter but with more information and a good coach, I decided to give it a try. I have entered several times now and each time I do, I push myself through my comfort zone and I learn something new. Toastmasters is a great training ground!

Then there are all the other contests that we can choose to get involved in. When we think about our five basic needs of, love and belonging, power, fun, freedom and survival, most often it is the need for power that is satisfied. We all have a need for power but we do not all have it at the same level.  Power is greatly misunderstood as a basic need.

Power comes in three forms as far as I am concerned. First there is the most destructive form of power, which is power over. In this case, it is when someone tries to control someone else. Second there is power with, when two people work together and build something powerful, like a good team working together without having to be over taking someone else.  Third, there is personal power, where we go inside and find personal empowerment.

Yes, the power need is at play in contests. When an athlete loses control, it is about trying to get power over someone or some situation over which they have no control. This is a destructive use or abuse of power. When teams work together and support each other, this is a very productive use of power. Leadership is about teamwork. Respect and recognition are two behaviors that help to satisfy this need for power. Most workers minimally want respect and recognition in the workplace.

When we have an awareness, that we have a choice about how to satisfy this need that is mostly dependent on other people, we become personally empowered.

Do you want to learn more about these ideas?

www.maureencraigmcintosh.com

www.choicetheorytraining.com

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Meeting our Needs through Customer Service

This past week I received a phone call. The caller said: “ I am so sorry to inform you that the order for the coat you wanted cannot be fulfilled even though when I put it in the computer when you were here, it said they had one.” What could I say to that?

I heard myself say: “ Don’t worry, these things happen and I guess my hunt for a winter coat simply starts over. “  “ Just a minute she said: “ I am just going to check our rack in case the coat in your size came in the new shipment!”  I said I would appreciate that!

She returned to the phone and sure enough she said: ‘’ I don’t believe it, I actually have your size in my hand! Let me confirm that is the correct color and size.  Then she went on to say: “ I believe that there was a 30% off special when you ordered that coat, was there not?”  I said that she was correct. She said then I am going to check to see if we can honor that sale!  She did honor the sale and held it at the store until I could get there later that same day!

When I look at the five basic needs of Love and Belonging, Power, Fun, Freedom and Survival that we are all driven to satisfy this was certainly a need satisfying event.

1. I felt that the person really cared about me, my belonging need

2. I felt respected satisfying my need for power

3. It was fun having someone take care of me

4. I was now free from searching for my coat.

5. My survival need is met as well since I will be warm

Having said all this, my quality world picture has been matched and my scales are in balance with my new coat!

Will I go back to this establishment? You bet I will.

www.therelationshipentrepreneur.com

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506-386-5868

Do you sometimes give away the control of your life? It is like giving someone the keys to your car and letting them take you wherever they want to go.  How often do you give your keys away? How often do you end up bickering and arguing in your relationship over the smallest, crazy things?

Someone will argue with me over this one. But what is control all about? For me it is the act of wanting to control someone else or something. Hopefully those reading this understand that we just cannot control another person but some people work so hard at it!

Relationship control comes in four forms

1. I want you to do something you don’t want to do

2. You want me to do something I don’t want to do

3. We both want each other to do something neither wants to do

4. We are forcing ourselves to do something we don’t want to do.

You see we are all doing the best we can at the time to get something that we want. When we get that, it will satisfy one or more of our five basic needs – Love and Belonging, Power, Fun and Freedom.  Why do we end up using so much external control? That’s easy. It is because we do not know what else to do and right from birth we have learned to control another person. 

Here is how it happens. When you are born, you are born knowing what feels good and what does not feel good. You are born with the behavior of crying. We cry to get what we want. We cry when we are hungry. Some warm, caring person comes along and picks us up and feeds us.  That felt good so now we know that if we cry we can get some help. We can control that big person to look after us. Right or wrong, this is what we learn. 

In reality though, we are driven from within, to satisfy our own basic needs and we are always behaving to meet them. We do that by forming pictures of people, places and things that are important to us and then we go after what we want ( those pictures). We even learn and take on some of  our limiting beliefs at this time because we are connected to the people who take care of us and they are our biggest influencers. We could write about this for days. What I have been talking about is the difference between external control and internal control as taught by Dr. William Glasser.

Want more info? www.choicetheorytraining.com or www.maureencraigmcintosh.com

I had an interesting experience this week that got me thinking into social media and relationships. I attended a workshop on social media and heard about all the devastating events that can happen along with all the positives ideas. A comment was made that when someone is extremely negative about something you post, that it would be wise to not engage in that conversation.

As I think about this and as I think about social media, I realize that I have knowledge that could be useful to the world in terms of understanding this person and realizing the reason for their behaviour. All behaviour is purposeful so when someone posts this way, don’t take it personally because this person is only attempting to get something that they want.

You see “ all behaviour is designed to get us something that we want”. We have a picture in our head of what we want. So when someone sets out on a rant or a negative pursuit, it is important to understand it is THEIR best behaviour at the time to get what THEY want. It really has nothing to do with you.

One of my most favoured questions to ask in this situation is this: What is it you want by (describe the behaviour) that you are not getting? The answer may surprise you. We cannot always get what we want but we can get some of what we need. Sometimes just asking this question the person will feel listened to and it could be need satisfying, thus reducing the frustration for both parties where a real conversation could be held.

Maybe I am dreaming but learning this ideas could impact the whole world of social media and how we treat each other. I have been teaching these ideas for 28 years for use in the real world so why not in the social media world?

#GrammyMo
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Subcategories

Heath J.

In my mid-30s, I made a life-changing decision to return to university. I sold my house and my car and moved to another country with my partner. It was all in pursuit of a dream career as a university professor. The problem? It made me miserable. Back in Canada for a few months, I sought out Maureen’s counsel. The decision was difficult for me: spend another two years studying something I disliked in a foreign country, but get closer to my dream job, or stop studying and pursue an alternate career path. Maureen never pressured, never judged. She taught me about choice theory, and helped me to identify and manage my insecurities. I found her to be a trustworthy, friendly voice of reason in a difficult, trying time.

I stopped my university studies, and a month later accepted an extremely fulfilling job as a college instructor and department head. I have the job I would have wanted, even if I had finished my degree. I feel happy, challenged and fulfilled. My personal relationships have also benefited from my certainty of choice and confidence. Maureen helped me find my way, and I am grateful for her wise counsel.

Heath J., Moncton

Barb

I thank you for all the opportunities and support you have given me over the many years of our friendship.

My relationship with you and Choice Choice theory has constantly guided and directed my life in a positive direction. The ability to change my thinking enriches my life each day. It helped me survive during the days of my deepest grief. You love your life and all those you have helped love you!

Barbara Rombough

Liette M. Collier

Choice Theory is a powerful life-changing tool. Its language has become a part of me and brings shared-awareness to my family and friends, clients, group participants, and work peers alike. Once we acknowledge the power of choice, that we own it, and that the impact of benefits and consequences alike are ours, we become not only empowered but also released from limiting beliefs and false boundaries.

Liette M. Collier

Robin Sauve

Maureen is a true expert in Choice Theory. She finds a way to apply relevant, practical applications of the theory into real life. Through coaching, Maureen invests a lot of time with her clients, making sure we consider all options. She is an excellent compassionate guide in this journey called life.

Robin Sauve, Marketing Manager

Wholesale & Specialty Products at Irving Oil

Carleen Glasser

Maureen is an outstanding faculty member of the William Glasser Institute! She has expertise in so many areas of the helping professions her contributions to the well-being and happiness of countless people of all ages is truly commendable. If only they could clone Maureen the world would be such a better place!

Carleen Glasser, CEO William Glasser, Inc.

Senior Faculty, Glasser Institute

Laura Prisc

I have been blessed to work with Maureen for several months, as my personal coach. She has skillfully facilitated my personal growth by asking the kinds of questions that require me to dig deep and get to the root of my beliefs, which sometimes hold me back! She provides very perceptive insights, and leads me through a process that drives me to more clearly define my wants, needs, and desires, along with actions I am committed to taking to move myself closer to the vision I hold for my future. I look forward to continuing this journey with Maureen, and highly recommend her as a teacher and coach. If you have the opportunity to work with her, do not hesitate for a second -- just say YES!less

Laura Prisc

Founder at Leadership & Life Potential, LLC

Owner, La Teraz

I have known Maureen as a counsellor, always really coaching for almost 20 years. I know very few people with the integrety and consistency that I have seen in the last two decades. Maureen has been teaching and guiding people in making choices for as long as I can remember with a professionalism and knowledge that is admired by other counselors in the city, including myself. When we host our own team building programs at La Teraz, even though I have training in the field and followed her courses in Choice Theory, I call her and her partner to facilitate the group's segment on Choice Theory. When I need to get honnest and reliable feedback, she is one of the primary people I consult in my own business to get the right questions asked to help me make my own choices to reach my ideal world in business. I not only accept to offer a recommendation I am honoured to refer her as one of the best in her field.less

Owner, La Teraz

Business Development Consultant

Rachelle Daigle

Met Maureen many years ago during a difficult life transition. She was recommended to me and I have been grateful for the connection. Through her teaching of Choice Theory she provides clarity, direction and empowerment to act. I have since been recommending her to anyone I know who is in need of her type of services. You can go see other couselors for months and start to feel better or you can go see Maureen and get direction within a few visits. the results last a life time. 
Love what you do Maureen!less

Rachelle Daigle

Business Development Consultant

Richard Chartrand CFP, CHS, CLU

Maureen is a warm person who is passionate about making a difference in the lives of the people she works with. She is very knowledgeable in her field and much can be learned from her! Maureen thank you so much for a great and "ah ha" filled training, you are a great instructor and such an inspiration. The reason I took this course is because of someone who you taught in the past, which i think says a lot. I felt so comfortable, and your enthusiasm and passion made me want to pay attention to every word. I so look forward to continuing on this journey! Jill Wakelin

Richard Chartrand CFP, CHS, CLU

Helping Financial Advisors (Heroes) Change Lives Forever!

LA Teraz

I very much agree that this training is of utmost benefit to anyone in counselling and in business and sales, I will decline, as i believe it so beneficial that I went for the full certification last year. Maureen is an excellent trainer and I benefited so much with her support, not only in certification, but in all the previous years of knowing this amazing coach. Wishing everyone the best experience in choosing to open this new door to understanding human behavior and choices

LA Teraz